i just hate the way i look and i feel like everything i do doesn't matter.
i've been restricting, staying under 800 calories a day, lots of water, and working out. i feel like everyting i do to get rid of this weight just doesn't work. i wish i still had drug connections, cuz i would be doing anything that would just make the weight come off.

i don't even binge!! i haven't been working out the past few days, i have been so depressed i lay in my bed listening to the beatles and brendan benson, reading, or just loathing myself.

i would have used the tredmill today, but it's in my living room and my parents were in there cleaning and shit, so i wasn't able to.

i just wish i could die and not worry about this anymore.

so last night i took my meds and fell asleep, just to wake up an hour later feelig nauesous from all of the crap in my stomach. i consumed about 405 calories, which made me feel really fucking disappointed in myself.
i ate one piece of whole grain bread with a pat of butter, and like, six crackers.

so i ended up sleeping til 4pm. i was depressed and i didn't wana get up, but my mother has to be annoying and keep bugging me to get up. twice an hour for three hours. eventually i just got up and started freaking out on her, i can't take her crap. and she noticed i've been fasting, well, noticed i count calories when i do eat, which never totals more than 500cals. she asked me, "you better not be doing that anorexic thing again." like i can CONTROL it? don't people see that it's a disease?

if it was a lifestyle choice, why are some girls and women dying from it? if they were suicidal, aren't there easier and less grueling way of offing yourself?

i'm seriously sick and tired of ignorance, and i never want to eat again.

"look how pretty she is, when she falls down..."

I AM -
[ ] anorexic but i have bulimic "episodes"
[X] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[X]thirsty
[X] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[X] wanting to be "under 100 by end of june"
[X] starving yourself
[X] participating in a fast with other people

PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if i'm anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[ ] say i'm too skinny
[ ] say i'm ugly
[X] say i'm pretty (i don't buy it)
[ ] spread rumors about me
[X] force me to eat
[ ] say i eat too much
[ ] wish i'd stop
[X] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic

I WISH -
[X] i was THIN
[X] i had a better body
[X] i didn't have to eat
[X] i could control myself
[X] i was under 100lbs
[X] i could avoid food
[X] i could hide what i am
[X] i wasn't fat
[X] i was pretty
[ ] I could stop

I LOVE -
[X] feeling hungry
[ ] shaking
[X] being weak, becuase i know i'm losing weight
[X] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet soda
[X] coffee
[ ] laxatives
[ ] diet pills
[X] being able to turn down food
[X] feeling good about myself

i can't STAND how my mother forces me to eat. i understand that she doesn't want me to be under 100lbs again, but i'm like, 125lbs right now. so she shouldn't ALREADY be worried about me being underweight.

hopefully i'll get some diet pills tomorrow, or at least caffine pills. i need more energy to not only work out much more, but it would boost my metabolism for when i'm not working out.

i just remember when i was addicted to heroin, or before that when i was addicted to coke, how much weight i was lose. it almost seems worth being a slave to one more thing to make the other work better for you..

i'm just a fucked up girl looking for my own piece of mind.

read my userinfo before adding me. that's all i ask.